something to remember

Incase none of you know this yet, my mother has terminal cancer. At least thats what I think they call it when they tell you that you have cancer and you're sure to die within the next two years. Shock can't even express how this feels. It's so hard to wrap your mind around losing a parent. Losing a parent before you turn 30, before you get married and have more babies. I have one son, but she didnt get to meet him until he was 2 years old because she was in the Army serving a tour in Korea. I would really love for her to see a grand baby being born, and to hold a baby in her arms.

It started with breast cancer. They removed her breast, did chemo, and then announced that my mother was cancer free. After her hair started to grow back and she was preparing for her beloved boob job (she was mad excited about her new boobs) she came to me with some pain in her neck. She asked me to feel it. It seemed tight. Of course I didnt want to jump to, "Oh shit its cancer" so I told her she must have a knot in her neck from stress. I was wrong. My father called me a week later after he had taken her to her appointment to have it checked out. He was crying.

He never cries. I'm 25 years old I cant remember if I have ever seen or heard him cry. He was sobbing into the phone. "Its bad, its really bad." My new boyfriend at the time was standing over my bed in his uniform about to kiss me goodbye when I burried my face in my pillows and sobbed. I drove an hour to the VA hospital to see what was going on and my father told me. "She has it in her neck, bones, and her pelvis." BONES. This meant, there is no getting rid of it. Knowing this, of course I started to cry hysterically. We sat in the office and the doctor explained that with chemo, she will live for two years. This was all too real now.

Lately she has been getting ready to die. Its not something we can stop her from doing. She wants to be prepared. I took her shopping a few weeks ago and she told me about all of the family heirlooms she's leaving to me. I told her to leave me the house and my step dad can have my apartment. She laughed. Thats what we do in this family. We laugh to keep from crying. She teared up and cried, I told her to pull over and let me drive.

I want to buy her everything, take her everywhere give her anything. Most of all, I dont want my mother to die. Truly, she is and always has been my very best friend. I cant really find the reason why God wants her to leave my life so early, when there are so few people who love me the way she does. Why he would put her through pain and leave me alone. But until the day comes, I'll be making sure, every moment my mother is still alive, are the happiest moments of our lives. & I will also be spending this time trying to convince her to NOT make me sing Amazing Grace at her funeral like she's dead set on making me do.

"I'm going to butcher it you know."
"It will be beautiful, I know it."