hey hey mommies!!!

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Trippin.

So I've recently had an epiphany. It happened with my most recent relationship. I'm happy, everything is going well, when suddenly, I'm trippin. Not over anything imparticular. Just strait wiggin over shit that doesnt make sense and becoming extremely insecure. In this relationship I am extremely happy. We're with each other every moment that we're not at work. We havent slept away from each other since we started sleeping together. We have a great time with each other. So why do I have that insecure gut feeling he'll be leaving me soon?

Of course its because every man I've been with leaves me, or I leave them because they're a cheatin ass hoe. But I may also be sabotaging my relationships more recently because I'm so afraid they'll leave, I start picking at things. Start over analyzing. Start digging deep for the possiblity he's not as happy as I am and that he'll be running away soon. Of course if he knew any of this he'd already be running. My epiphany was the fact that my fear and insecurity is of course part of the reason my relationships are failing. I'm going into a relationship feeling like I'm not good enough for someone to tell me the truth. I'm not good enough for someone to be faithfull to me. I'm not good enough for someone to still be interested after a few months.

With him, I smile on the outside, keep my insecurities to myself. Hoping that eventually I'll realize that this man is doing everything he can, to show me how much he cares about me and just let this "be". I have got to be good enough to love.

Missing Baby-Father.

I've been trying for 5+ years to find my son's father, make him pay, & hold him accountable.

But you know what?

I just dont care anymore. This is way too much effort. For what? He doesnt want to be a father, I cant force him. Besides, he isnt worth $5 anyway, and you cant get blood out of stone. *Kanye shrug*

I'm done.

I found out he was in North Carolina in jail. He's already an ex-con. I will just tell my son I gave it my best, give him his father's name when he's old enough to persue it on his own, and let him do whatever he wants with it. I'm not breaking my back over a man who isnt breaking his back to be a father. Fuck em.

Doner Kebab

*Kat Williams voice*

"This shit right here! This shit right HERE. This shit right here!!!!"

This shit be good than a mug. I used to eat these in Germany sloshed as hell at the tender age of 18 and let me tell you. EFF a waffle house. These are amazing, I cant believe it took me this long to google a recipe. I'm KILLING this shit as soon as I get the ingredients.



Taziki (Dressing)
1 Cup Non-Fat Yogurt
1/2 Seedless Cucumber
3/4 tsp Salt
1 tsp Crushed Garlic
1 Tbsp Olive Oil
1 tsp Red Wine Vinegar
1/4 tsp Black Pepper

Chop cucumber finely and place in bowl. Add yogurt and remaining ingredients. Mix well, cover and refrigerate while preparing meat.

Doner Kebab
1 pound ground lamb or beef
1/2 cup onion
2 teaspoons fresh crushed garlic
3/4 teaspoon sea salt
1/2 teaspoon dried marjoram
1/2 teaspoon dried rosemary
1/4 teaspoon black pepper

Place onion, garlic, salt, marjoram, rosemary and pepper into blender (or chopper) and puree until there are no chunks of onion. Mix this well with the meat.Press firmly into a greased baking pan and cook at 325 for 1 hour. Once cooked, drain fat and let the meat cool slightly before slicing. Slice into thin strips.

Preparing the Kebab
Pita Pockets or Flatbread
Shredded Lettuce
Sliced onion
Sliced Tomato
Feta Cheese

Place your choice of vegetables & cheese into pita pocket (or on flatbread) along with sliced meat. Spoon Taziki (Dressing) over vegetables & meat and enjoy! This recipe makes a complete meal (protein, dairy, fibrous carbohydrates and good fat). It makes a great low-carbohydrate meal that is compliant with Atkins, Zone and South Beach Diets if prepared with a low-carb wrap or flatberad instead of a pita.

A lesson in friends.

Something that took me a few years of experience to figure out is: you are who you hang with. I believe it was also Tupac who said "Mama said never argue with fools, because from a distance no one knows who is who." Then there is that, "you lie with dogs you get fleas" statement. All of these are true, and it took me too long and too many life experiences to figure out. The problem is I have a big heart. I like to try and "fix" people when their broken, "love them" when they don't love themselves enough, or guide them in the right direction. Unfortunately, when you stick around a toxic friend long enough, it wont be YOU rubbing off on them it will be their drama and garbage rubbing off on YOU.

I've seen plenty of friends go through this as well. Watching them try to hang on to someone who's spiraling out of control. At this point in my life I will easily and without blinking drop kick a bitch to the curb. I LOVE my friends. However, I have a family and a life to protect. I cant allow someone's drama to pull me down, to affect the way my daily routine operates, or to negatively impact the life of my son.

For example I met a girl recently at my job who I thought I could get along with. She had a son and was a single mother like myself.

[side note] Just because a woman has a child, it does NOT make her a mother. [side note]

She was a few years younger than me but she seemed mature and she was a lot of fun to hang out with. We started spending a lot of time together and quickly seemed to be "besties" [hate that word]. But suddenly I started to see a different person in her. Someone that I would soon drop kick to the curb like I mentioned before.

She didnt have her son in day care and her schedual was about to change where she would need help with him so she could work. I decided to offer my off days to her so that I could help another struggling single mother get to work. While I thought she was working she was taking off early and doing whatever the hell she felt like and then coming to pick up her son. I mentioned to her to give me a heads up or at least ask because I was sacrificing my off time to HELP her go to work. She didn't. Things got worse. She stopped hanging out with me but kept dropping the baby off. She would pick him up HAMMERED. Stumbling drunk. I'd beg her to stay on my couch but she always refused. I felt horrible for letting her drive away with her child in the car but I couldnt allow myself to feel responsible for the actions of a grown woman. Shortly she stopped going to work as much, got behind on her rent, and told me she was picking up some hours at the STRIP CLUB. Now I only saw her when I was babysitting. Because I was now her babysitter and no longer a friend I charged her to babysit.

& When she couldnt pay me. I kicked her ass to the curb. Stopped calling, texting, caring. I just cant. I cant tell a grown woman that being a stripper isnt the best career choice. I cant tell her more than once that drunk driving with her child in the car is a horrible idea. I cant tell her that being a mother and going to the club every night of the week dont really mix. I cant try to save her, and I cant run with her. I cant let her poison my surroundings with her toxic behavior.

From what I hear she's now a full time stripper, dropping her son's medical bennefits, and she's now smoking SOMETHING out of a pipe, and she's lost her place to live. I dont feel bad at all, for her no longer being a part of my life. Because I'm not going down with her. She's not going to affect my life or the life of my son. I suggest everyone practice this form of self preservation.

Facebook Exchange with an Ex.

Him: Hey add me.

Me: Hey fuck off.

toooouch doooown

I was going to do this whole post about ways for women to get out of the doghouse but the only suggestions anyone could come up with was head. So instead of wasting a whole post on how head is beneficial to your relationship I said bunk that I'll pass. So last night because I've pretty much been in the doghouse since the weekend I decided to take control of my situation and throw our relationship back to where it was. All happy and full of joy. Right back to where we had absolutely nothing to argue or complain about. That overly happy "beginning" feeling.

I set up tea-light candles all over the bedroom and found a soft R&B cd. I gave this man a full blown profeSHION-al massage. I mean I looked up technique and everything. I.put.it.down. That's how I does. Then I flipped him over for his happy ending. Then....everything was right in the world again.

Enough about my relationship.

Lets discuss my Florida apartment. If I wake up or come home to one more wild bug I'm going to move to Alaska where bugs cant survive. I cant handle this shit!! It isn't little easy to murder bugs either. I'm talking obese ass motherflucking bug ass bugs. One morning I wake up and sit on the toilet and a palmetto bug runs from behind my toilet paper roll into a hole in the caulking of my tub. Then I walk into the kitchen and as I'm putting a dish in the sink Charlotte, Wilber's Charlotte, is just a'dangling right in my face, then...THEN I walk into the bathroom, open the medicine cabinet to get a q-tip, and as I reach my hand in that bish, A TARANTULA looking spider is right by my hand. I screamed bloody murder and closed the bathroom door. My man came over from work and killed it for me and of course two days later another one of his homeboys was in my kitchen cubbard. When I tell you I almost destroyed my kitchen trying to kill this thing while screaming like a lunatic at the same time. Of course, the man came and killed that one too. Then we get to my apartment last night and a flying WATER BUG (aka roach) is on my ceiling. & That hoe was the size of a small bird.

I need to move.

Of course its because I live in Florida and all these bugs live here too but DAMN IT. I cant live like this.

Anyway.

Its been 2 weeks since I've had a cigarette. Yay me *eye roll*. I know its wonderful and I should be ecstatic but truthfully I practically had a gun to my head and it wasnt much of my decision. I wanted to smoke. I kinda miss it. I'm stressed blah blah excuses excuses I know. I dont smoke tree anymore either. *thumbs down*

The things good peen will make you do. So anywhat, I'm gonna drink this coffee and try not to have an attitude with any of my customers today. Y'all enjoy your Monday.

Bumps in the road.

This past weekend was a disaster.

DISAAASTER.

First of all I have to mention that I just started taking birth control again, and its severely fucking with my emotions. I mean BAD. I have been totally content in my relationship until pms began with these new ovulation stopping sons of bitches. The past couple of days have been uncomfortable and awkward. I've been exteremely insecure and have been driving the poor man to the edge. Last night was almost the end of it all. It had just gotten to be this big circle of dominoes. One thing after another with no resolution. We had to talk. My plan was to go to my apartment and spend the night alone and give him some space. We havent spent one night alone sice we began dating.

I was a wreck. Tearing up and boo-hooing as I spoke. Trying to get him to understand why I was acting this way. He was understanding but he had a "fed up & tired" tone of voice. But he lay his head in my lap and rubbed my leg. He said to me "I just want you to be happy every time you see me. Every time I see you I'm happy. So when I open the door and you're not happy, and you're in a shitty mood, my day is ruined." It made sense. I tried to think of how I would feel if I were in his shoes. If I opened the door and he was frowny-faced and snappy. I wouldnt like that much myself. Then he looked at his computer and said, "Do you know how to dougie?"
"No."
"Well me either, roll over here and we can both learn at the same time."
I wiped my eyes and rolled over to him, and we watched youtube videos, putting everything else behind us. He wouldnt let me go home because he wanted me there. Not for any other reason but to hold me tight while we slept. Today is a new day. We have gotten over the first bump in our relationship and I would say we handled that pretty well. Overwhelming tears and all. Today I'm going to be happy when I see him and try to control these terrible mood swings of mine. Because he makes me happy, I should have a smile on my face when he opens the door.

someone to watch tv with.

It took me a while to come to the conclusion of exactly what I want to do with my life. Do I want fame, fortune, wealth, success, a big house? Nope. I want to make someone's lunch for the rest of my life. Whether that be kids, my husband, my grand children. Thats it. I dont really want or need anything else. Its taken some time to realize it but its all I've really wanted. Of course I have my son, but we all know findindg the husband to make more babies with is becoming a fucking problem but its not for a lack of trying.

Lately however I have been dating someone that makes every previous relationship look like a high school crush or fling. He's making everything so calm, enjoyable, and fun. I am finally content. He does everthing for me, from making me smile, to bringing me lunch at work, to leaving his job to go to my apartment and kill spiders. He's fucking amazing. Last night we lay in bed and realized that although we date, we spend a lot of time durring the week comming home from work and watching TV before going to bed. He said to me, "Did you watch TV this much before we got together? I hope you're not bored."
"Actually I watch this much TV with or without you."
"Okay I just hope I'm not boring you."
"Oh no, but we can go to the beach Saturday and get out of the house, maybe see a movie."
"Okay dont get ahead of yourself."
*giggles*

This morning, on my way to work. I text him: "I couldnt immagine wasting my life away watching television with anyone but you."
"Me either ;)"

I think for now, I can settle for someone to watch TV with.

something to remember

Incase none of you know this yet, my mother has terminal cancer. At least thats what I think they call it when they tell you that you have cancer and you're sure to die within the next two years. Shock can't even express how this feels. It's so hard to wrap your mind around losing a parent. Losing a parent before you turn 30, before you get married and have more babies. I have one son, but she didnt get to meet him until he was 2 years old because she was in the Army serving a tour in Korea. I would really love for her to see a grand baby being born, and to hold a baby in her arms.

It started with breast cancer. They removed her breast, did chemo, and then announced that my mother was cancer free. After her hair started to grow back and she was preparing for her beloved boob job (she was mad excited about her new boobs) she came to me with some pain in her neck. She asked me to feel it. It seemed tight. Of course I didnt want to jump to, "Oh shit its cancer" so I told her she must have a knot in her neck from stress. I was wrong. My father called me a week later after he had taken her to her appointment to have it checked out. He was crying.

He never cries. I'm 25 years old I cant remember if I have ever seen or heard him cry. He was sobbing into the phone. "Its bad, its really bad." My new boyfriend at the time was standing over my bed in his uniform about to kiss me goodbye when I burried my face in my pillows and sobbed. I drove an hour to the VA hospital to see what was going on and my father told me. "She has it in her neck, bones, and her pelvis." BONES. This meant, there is no getting rid of it. Knowing this, of course I started to cry hysterically. We sat in the office and the doctor explained that with chemo, she will live for two years. This was all too real now.

Lately she has been getting ready to die. Its not something we can stop her from doing. She wants to be prepared. I took her shopping a few weeks ago and she told me about all of the family heirlooms she's leaving to me. I told her to leave me the house and my step dad can have my apartment. She laughed. Thats what we do in this family. We laugh to keep from crying. She teared up and cried, I told her to pull over and let me drive.

I want to buy her everything, take her everywhere give her anything. Most of all, I dont want my mother to die. Truly, she is and always has been my very best friend. I cant really find the reason why God wants her to leave my life so early, when there are so few people who love me the way she does. Why he would put her through pain and leave me alone. But until the day comes, I'll be making sure, every moment my mother is still alive, are the happiest moments of our lives. & I will also be spending this time trying to convince her to NOT make me sing Amazing Grace at her funeral like she's dead set on making me do.

"I'm going to butcher it you know."
"It will be beautiful, I know it."

curiosity

You ever ask a question that you know good and damn well you didnt reall want the answer to? Like asking someone who cheated on you if it was worth it or if someone's new girlfriend does anything better than you? Yea stupid ass questions that are sure to cripple your wounded little heart that you could have bet money was all healed up by now. I don't like to ask those questions. Its in our nature to want to know how an ex is doing but God forbid you find out and you feel any kind of pain or discomfort from the answer. You know we child bearers have a habbit of asking questions we don't want the answer to and then want to get all butt hurt and cry and shit.

I dated someone for about 9 months, knew him for 7 years before we dated, and ended the relationship in December of 2009 because of a SLEW of shit. Because of the fact I still have a book he let me borrow while we were together he takes it upon himself to email me at random to ask if I'll ever send the book. Honestly I'm not hanging on to it for any other reason than A. I havent finished reading it yet & B. I dont feel like going to the post office. So he emails me and tells me how much he loved me. & I quote:

You were my world. No female could hold a candle to you and what I felt for you.
I loved you so much that I never though of my own feelings untill after you were
satisfied first. Loved you so much the simple thought of kissing you, touching
you, whether it be a hug or kiss gave me butterflies like a lil school boy. When
I was with you I missed you before you were even out of sight because just
the mere thought of you not being near me gave me pain. Still have love for you
and find myself wondering about you and your son. It is what it is I guess.

First of all I don't believe much of that because anyone that can lie to me and "omit" shit the way he did throughout our relationship or online flirt as reckless as he did, can't possibly love me to the degree in which he claims. To knowingly do something that can cause me pain...that isn't love. Its reckless and selfsih. But I digress.

He asked how my new man was treating me. I said wonderful. He said good. & Then that feeling came over me, that I should ask if he's seeing someone. Did I really want to know? I debated just leaving it alone and allowing myself to believe he was alone and misserable and would be that way forever. Curiosity got the better of me.

"Yes. We haven't made it official yet but I really like her."

Delete delete delete delete.

No response for you.

*gag noise*

At least I try

I have bad luck in dating.
Shit.
I guess you can't even remotely refer to my dating life as luck. However, I try. A close friend and I have this on-going argument that while I've gone through boyfriends like toilet paper, he hasnt attempted one relationship in our 8, almost 9 year friendship. In his opinion he hasnt found anyone worthy. In my opinion he's spent 8 years being a big ass pussy. Too afraid to put himself out there and take any risks. Every woman he's slept with from the day I met him up until now has always been "missing" something that he needs in order to make a commitment. He's even said that there have been so many qualities found in each woman that if balled up together into one woman he'd be delighted to wife her up. He feels 100% confident in his process and although I'm not 100% convinced I'm doing anything right, I'm not too convinced being single for 8 years and never making ONE attempt at a relationship is correct either. All I can say for myself is each relationship I've found myself in, is significantly better than the last.

Significantly.

Sure maybe I can be single for eight years until I find Mr. Right but honestly, if I dont always know what I'm doing in love, how can I pass up oportunities to have found it? I'd rather try and fail, than never try at all.