Thursday, July 22, 2010


So I've recently had an epiphany. It happened with my most recent relationship. I'm happy, everything is going well, when suddenly, I'm trippin. Not over anything imparticular. Just strait wiggin over shit that doesnt make sense and becoming extremely insecure. In this relationship I am extremely happy. We're with each other every moment that we're not at work. We havent slept away from each other since we started sleeping together. We have a great time with each other. So why do I have that insecure gut feeling he'll be leaving me soon?

Of course its because every man I've been with leaves me, or I leave them because they're a cheatin ass hoe. But I may also be sabotaging my relationships more recently because I'm so afraid they'll leave, I start picking at things. Start over analyzing. Start digging deep for the possiblity he's not as happy as I am and that he'll be running away soon. Of course if he knew any of this he'd already be running. My epiphany was the fact that my fear and insecurity is of course part of the reason my relationships are failing. I'm going into a relationship feeling like I'm not good enough for someone to tell me the truth. I'm not good enough for someone to be faithfull to me. I'm not good enough for someone to still be interested after a few months.

With him, I smile on the outside, keep my insecurities to myself. Hoping that eventually I'll realize that this man is doing everything he can, to show me how much he cares about me and just let this "be". I have got to be good enough to love.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Missing Baby-Father.

I've been trying for 5+ years to find my son's father, make him pay, & hold him accountable.

But you know what?

I just dont care anymore. This is way too much effort. For what? He doesnt want to be a father, I cant force him. Besides, he isnt worth $5 anyway, and you cant get blood out of stone. *Kanye shrug*

I'm done.

I found out he was in North Carolina in jail. He's already an ex-con. I will just tell my son I gave it my best, give him his father's name when he's old enough to persue it on his own, and let him do whatever he wants with it. I'm not breaking my back over a man who isnt breaking his back to be a father. Fuck em.

Doner Kebab

*Kat Williams voice*

"This shit right here! This shit right HERE. This shit right here!!!!"

This shit be good than a mug. I used to eat these in Germany sloshed as hell at the tender age of 18 and let me tell you. EFF a waffle house. These are amazing, I cant believe it took me this long to google a recipe. I'm KILLING this shit as soon as I get the ingredients.

Taziki (Dressing)
1 Cup Non-Fat Yogurt
1/2 Seedless Cucumber
3/4 tsp Salt
1 tsp Crushed Garlic
1 Tbsp Olive Oil
1 tsp Red Wine Vinegar
1/4 tsp Black Pepper

Chop cucumber finely and place in bowl. Add yogurt and remaining ingredients. Mix well, cover and refrigerate while preparing meat.

Doner Kebab
1 pound ground lamb or beef
1/2 cup onion
2 teaspoons fresh crushed garlic
3/4 teaspoon sea salt
1/2 teaspoon dried marjoram
1/2 teaspoon dried rosemary
1/4 teaspoon black pepper

Place onion, garlic, salt, marjoram, rosemary and pepper into blender (or chopper) and puree until there are no chunks of onion. Mix this well with the meat.Press firmly into a greased baking pan and cook at 325 for 1 hour. Once cooked, drain fat and let the meat cool slightly before slicing. Slice into thin strips.

Preparing the Kebab
Pita Pockets or Flatbread
Shredded Lettuce
Sliced onion
Sliced Tomato
Feta Cheese

Place your choice of vegetables & cheese into pita pocket (or on flatbread) along with sliced meat. Spoon Taziki (Dressing) over vegetables & meat and enjoy! This recipe makes a complete meal (protein, dairy, fibrous carbohydrates and good fat). It makes a great low-carbohydrate meal that is compliant with Atkins, Zone and South Beach Diets if prepared with a low-carb wrap or flatberad instead of a pita.

A lesson in friends.

Something that took me a few years of experience to figure out is: you are who you hang with. I believe it was also Tupac who said "Mama said never argue with fools, because from a distance no one knows who is who." Then there is that, "you lie with dogs you get fleas" statement. All of these are true, and it took me too long and too many life experiences to figure out. The problem is I have a big heart. I like to try and "fix" people when their broken, "love them" when they don't love themselves enough, or guide them in the right direction. Unfortunately, when you stick around a toxic friend long enough, it wont be YOU rubbing off on them it will be their drama and garbage rubbing off on YOU.

I've seen plenty of friends go through this as well. Watching them try to hang on to someone who's spiraling out of control. At this point in my life I will easily and without blinking drop kick a bitch to the curb. I LOVE my friends. However, I have a family and a life to protect. I cant allow someone's drama to pull me down, to affect the way my daily routine operates, or to negatively impact the life of my son.

For example I met a girl recently at my job who I thought I could get along with. She had a son and was a single mother like myself.

[side note] Just because a woman has a child, it does NOT make her a mother. [side note]

She was a few years younger than me but she seemed mature and she was a lot of fun to hang out with. We started spending a lot of time together and quickly seemed to be "besties" [hate that word]. But suddenly I started to see a different person in her. Someone that I would soon drop kick to the curb like I mentioned before.

She didnt have her son in day care and her schedual was about to change where she would need help with him so she could work. I decided to offer my off days to her so that I could help another struggling single mother get to work. While I thought she was working she was taking off early and doing whatever the hell she felt like and then coming to pick up her son. I mentioned to her to give me a heads up or at least ask because I was sacrificing my off time to HELP her go to work. She didn't. Things got worse. She stopped hanging out with me but kept dropping the baby off. She would pick him up HAMMERED. Stumbling drunk. I'd beg her to stay on my couch but she always refused. I felt horrible for letting her drive away with her child in the car but I couldnt allow myself to feel responsible for the actions of a grown woman. Shortly she stopped going to work as much, got behind on her rent, and told me she was picking up some hours at the STRIP CLUB. Now I only saw her when I was babysitting. Because I was now her babysitter and no longer a friend I charged her to babysit.

& When she couldnt pay me. I kicked her ass to the curb. Stopped calling, texting, caring. I just cant. I cant tell a grown woman that being a stripper isnt the best career choice. I cant tell her more than once that drunk driving with her child in the car is a horrible idea. I cant tell her that being a mother and going to the club every night of the week dont really mix. I cant try to save her, and I cant run with her. I cant let her poison my surroundings with her toxic behavior.

From what I hear she's now a full time stripper, dropping her son's medical bennefits, and she's now smoking SOMETHING out of a pipe, and she's lost her place to live. I dont feel bad at all, for her no longer being a part of my life. Because I'm not going down with her. She's not going to affect my life or the life of my son. I suggest everyone practice this form of self preservation.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Facebook Exchange with an Ex.

Him: Hey add me.
Me: Hey fuck off.

toooouch doooown

I was going to do this whole post about ways for women to get out of the doghouse but the only suggestions anyone could come up with was head. So instead of wasting a whole post on how head is beneficial to your relationship I said bunk that I'll pass. So last night because I've pretty much been in the doghouse since the weekend I decided to take control of my situation and throw our relationship back to where it was. All happy and full of joy. Right back to where we had absolutely nothing to argue or complain about. That overly happy "beginning" feeling.

I set up tea-light candles all over the bedroom and found a soft R&B cd. I gave this man a full blown profeSHION-al massage. I mean I looked up technique and everything. That's how I does. Then I flipped him over for his happy ending. Then....everything was right in the world again.

Enough about my relationship.

Lets discuss my Florida apartment. If I wake up or come home to one more wild bug I'm going to move to Alaska where bugs cant survive. I cant handle this shit!! It isn't little easy to murder bugs either. I'm talking obese ass motherflucking bug ass bugs. One morning I wake up and sit on the toilet and a palmetto bug runs from behind my toilet paper roll into a hole in the caulking of my tub. Then I walk into the kitchen and as I'm putting a dish in the sink Charlotte, Wilber's Charlotte, is just a'dangling right in my face, then...THEN I walk into the bathroom, open the medicine cabinet to get a q-tip, and as I reach my hand in that bish, A TARANTULA looking spider is right by my hand. I screamed bloody murder and closed the bathroom door. My man came over from work and killed it for me and of course two days later another one of his homeboys was in my kitchen cubbard. When I tell you I almost destroyed my kitchen trying to kill this thing while screaming like a lunatic at the same time. Of course, the man came and killed that one too. Then we get to my apartment last night and a flying WATER BUG (aka roach) is on my ceiling. & That hoe was the size of a small bird.

I need to move.

Of course its because I live in Florida and all these bugs live here too but DAMN IT. I cant live like this.


Its been 2 weeks since I've had a cigarette. Yay me *eye roll*. I know its wonderful and I should be ecstatic but truthfully I practically had a gun to my head and it wasnt much of my decision. I wanted to smoke. I kinda miss it. I'm stressed blah blah excuses excuses I know. I dont smoke tree anymore either. *thumbs down*

The things good peen will make you do. So anywhat, I'm gonna drink this coffee and try not to have an attitude with any of my customers today. Y'all enjoy your Monday.